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When Spud returned to Tokyo, he found the city in shambles. The giant lizard had invaded central Honshu and was toppling buildings at a feverish pace. Cars and buses were squashed like bugs...trains snapped apart like breadsticks - nothing could avoid the reptile's rampage as he marched his way toward Tokyo's affluent Ginza district Battling a ferocious beast that was nearly 7 stories high would be a tall order for an 8 inch potato. Being a Japanese reptile further complicated things. Spud ducked into a nearby temple to seek advice from some of the local spiritual leaders. Inside the Kenchoji Temple, the tater met with its chief priest who welcomed Spud in and offered to teach him the power of Zen Buddhism. The priest shared with the tuber the teachings of Siddhurtha Gautama who brought the philosophy of zen to Japan around 500 BC. The priest convinced him that he could defeat the marauding monster through reason and simplicity. Spud listened in earnest and practiced meditating until he reached enlightenment. It was then that he was ready to face Godzilla and bring his rampage of destruction to an end. When the tuber arrived at the Ginza district, the area looked like a war zone. Mountains of rubble lined the street where once stood neon clad skyscrapers. The giant lizard had ripped open the roadway like a gaping wound and pulled a subway car from its subterranean track. Screams of terror echoed through the thick muslin clouds of billowing smoke. Spud crawled up onto the rubble, pulled out his zafu (a small pillow), assumed the lotus position and cupped his hands in the ovular shape of the cosmic mudra before turning his attention inward and began to meditate. The potato urged the humongous hellion to join him in meditation and to find peace within himself. Godzilla stared down at the microscopic carbohydrate and pondered the offer....
The behemoth brute let out a tremendous roar and crunched down on two of the subway cars with its powerful jaws. The lizard reached down and snatched the spiritual side dish from the wreckage and proceeded to rip his arms and legs off before hurling the poor potato to the wasteland that was once Tokyo's richest neighbourhood. There would be no reasoning with this fella. A young Geisha ran to Spud's rescue and helped the tato pull himself together. The girl told him of her danna (a long time patron of hers), who was once a great Samurai warrior. The Samurai had a different philosophy than the Zen Buddhists when it came to negotiating with hostiles....they kicked butt! The Samurai were the fierce and revered military class of the Japanese. The warriors were highly respected and highly trained in warfare, and were widely considered to be the ultimate fighting machines. If anyone knew the secret for defeating Godzilla, surely it would be the Samurai. Spud asked to meet with her danna and the Geisha happily arranged it. Over the next week, Spud trained daily with the master Samurai; learning their philosophy and battle techniques. At night, Spud retreated to his hotel and played Mortal Kombat on his hotel room's Playstation - honing his reflexes and fine tuning his hand/eye coordination. By the end of the week, Spud had become an expert swordsman. The Samurai Master was elated at the potato's rapid progress and rewarded him with his very own 50 year Ginsu knife.
Hiding under a cloak of burning smoke, Spud secretly snuck up behind the giant lizard. The tater pulled two ninja throwing stars from his robe and hurled them at the beast. The razor sharp stars found their mark piercing the thick skin of the reptile. The monster dropped a bullet train that it had been snacking on lurched in pain and surprise. Looking down at Samurai Spud, Godzilla let out an ear piercing roar which shattered windows in nearby buildings. The last time Spud ever heard anything that shrill was when he saw Celine Dion on TV. The monster snapped at the side dish and clamped down on the potato's arm with its tremendous teeth. The pain was intense, but Spud's training kept him focussed on the task at hand. Godzilla then tore Spud's feet off and began to salivate as he savoured the fact that he would soon be having his daily intake of carbs, The tater slid his trusty Ginsu from its scabbard; its razor sharp blade glinting in the sun like a diamond. With one quick swipe, he thrust the sword into the reptile's neck. Godzilla yelped in pain and the potato fell to the ground. The giant lizard clutched at its throat, stumbling backwards amongst the rubble. The reptile continued to roar in pain as it thrashed violently from side to side. Finally, the dazed demon tripped over a demolished pachinko palace and fell onto the sharp point of Tokyo Tower, impaling itself like a seventy tonne shishkebob
Unfortunately, the destruction he had left in his path would be crippling to Japan's economy. Fortunately, no one has resolve like the Japanese people. With the help of Spud's Ginsu knife, the rampaging reptile was sliced and diced up into an enormous supply of handbags, belts & wallets - thus giving birth to new industry and setting the stage for Japan to once again rebuild itself into one of the world's great superpowers. |
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Spud
Battles 
Meditate
or Annihilate?
By
this time, Godzilla was well on his way turning the Japanese metropolis
into a land fill site. The city was engulfed in smoke and flame; virtually
everything was decimated. What had been one of the strongest economies
on the planet was now in ruin. It was a disaster of historic proportion
- almost as bad as Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck's movie: Gigli
Godzilla
was dead